Its been a long time out since my last post. Life has changed, I’ve changed, my daily routine has drastically changed. I am different.
Somehow putting your words out there feels more real than having a conversation. Your words are your reality and when they are typed up in an online forum then it feels more real and more permanent. You put your words out there for history to swallow up and spit back out in a feed, making an indelible mark on your life’s path. You can’t erase your words, you can’t erase the memories that your online words influence or generate. Your words become your history, your story, part of you.
Admittedly I have slacked off on writing and self reflection in general. The past six months have been a mental struggle. By choosing not to share my words in my blog, by taking a hiatus from writing down my thoughts I removed any possibility that my negative emotions and thoughts would become my reality. If you don’t say it, it can’t become real...right? Or by not saying anything I just drowned in my own solidarity and had no outlet to be me.
Unemployment is not fun-employment. Not having a job, not having any means to support my family is NOT for me. I struggled to be myself and be happy. To me happiness is contributing to the greater good of my family and feeling like I’ve made a difference. There was only so much yard work and home maintenance that I could take care of over the past six months to feel like I made a contribution. Happiness is Success. I suppose while my manicured front lawn was earning compliments I was a true success. But where I’ve truly been for the past six months was in a writer’s block hole (pun intended) no where near my happiness.
I even let someone else steal my yoga from me. If you know me you know who. The block hole I was in also kept me out of the hot room with my eyes closed and barely breathing. The hardest part is admitting to the fact that I let that person take away my happiness without a fight. I avoided the hot room for fear of an awkward moment, for fear of the inevitable discomfort of being locked in the hot room for an hour and a half trying to focus on not thinking. The fear kept me away and I feel sad about that.
Funny enough, the topic of this post; if you can, you must - came out of the hot room during that time I was ridden with inexplicable fear. During wind removing pose I received the best piece of advice for life in general and an escape route out of my block hole. 'If you can reach your elbows, you must reach for your elbows. If you can, YOU MUST!' Since I started doing Bikram a year ago, I am no where near reaching my elbows and my regular teachers know this. Its fairly obvious that when I can barely clasp my hands together I’m a long way off from reaching my elbows, but I could try so I did try. In that sweat filled, stretching moment of internal reflection in the hot room, in that fleeting moment of eye opening positivity I realized that if I can then I must, no matter what. Disregarding time, money and effort - if I can, I must and I will. Whatever the goal, I will try. If I can try, I must try.
This is my new vision statement for my life; I can, I must.
My new found vision for how to be happy and succeed led me down the path of completing long forgotten tasks that I pushed aside thinking that I couldn’t, I didn’t have time so I shouldn’t. I turned my couldn’t, didn’t, shouldn’t into I should, I could and I did. Painting, framing and picture hanging. It was three years coming but even a new job and a new schedule couldn’t stop me.
As we head towards fall and my anniversary of blogging I invite everyone to hold me accountable to my new vision statement. If I can write, I must write. I’m giving myself a few passes when I really don’t have time to sit down and write but the 5-6 month hiatus is a thing of the past I promise myself that I will reflect more regularly with my eyes open and breathing normal again.
I can, I must.